I have a problem where I leave resentments laying around.
Do you ever see a piece of garbage or small thing left out of place by someone else, but REFUSE to pick it up yourself? Even though it would only take a tiny, effortless morsel of time?
I DO. ALL THE TIME.
I think maybe I believe or FEEL that to clean up these small seemingly-insignificant messes is NOT effortless. Somehow I think doing so will make my jobs in life HARDER, and housekeeping WORSE. Like I believe the more I clean up these kinds of things, the more the problem will multiply. If I pick up this cotton ball and throw it away, somehow I believe it three more will soon take its place. I know as I write this that this is irrational, but apparently that is not enough for me to let go of these fears.
I don’t know for sure how much this is part of the dis-ease of hoarding, but I know it is a contributing factor in the mess I am surrounded by. Or rather, the mess *I* surround myself with.
When someone else clutters shared space or leaves something dirty, there are a couple-three confused or resentful reactions I have. One is I RESIST picking it up or cleaning it, even when it’s a really simple (superficial) fix. The worst being, “see? no matter how I try, the people I share space with are going to fuck it up!” But the most basic reaction I have is just a complete lack of empathy or understanding: ANGRY CONFUSION. I feel an enormous “WHAT THE FUCK?!?Like, how can you NOT see this and NOT know it is yours and NOT pick it up?!?”
And the STUPIDEST reaction / resentful thought I have / INaction step I take is: I’m going to leave this here until you see it and notice how many of these things occur and that it is important you begin to take care of them.
THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! Other people’s brains are not wired the same. That is a GOOD thing. It is GOOD that not everybody feels incredible shame about being messy. It is GOOD that not everybody is consumed with incredibly insignificant details. It is GOOD that a lot of people are FOCUSED and able to go out the door or do the task at hand without being distracted and interrupted by totally irrelevent little specks of bullshit. It is GOOD that my wife and I are wired differently in some ways, and balance each other out.
But. I still get hung up on this shit.
I feel like tidying, cleaning, reducing clutter, and organizing are already such daunting tasks that would be hard enough even if I lived alone. I am overwhelmed, and constantly feel aware of the mess. It is incredibly hard for me to understand how other people do not even see the tumbleweeds of hair in the hallway or feel the crust on the refrigerator handle or notice the dirty handprints on the curtains, let alone put together that touching velvet with unwashed hands is what led to such a degredation of sanitary homey decor.
I hate for anyone to feel ashamed or bad about something that in the grand scheme of things is not very important, so I almost never complain to anyone about this particular challenging frustration. I feel like it is cheating on my wife. But it comes out eventually sideways, and in hurtful ways. That make both of us feel terrible, and leave really contorting scars.
I don’t know what the solution is exactly, but I know it is a problem and not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. Reflecting on it and journaling about it might help get me closer to solutions. Like
*ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I SHARE SPACE WITH AS THEY ARE, with gratitude for everything awesome about them
*FOCUS ON THINGS I *DO* CONTROL: the messes I make and can make better
*PICK UP THE FUCKING COTTON BALL AND THROW IT AWAY, and stop thinking about it. Be grateful for being able to make a little difference, and that this is one of a very fucking few things I have to complain about, and it is SO EASILY FUCKING SOLVED, how I can STOP SUFFERING EVERY TIME I SEE THIS COTTON BALL, this little piece of evidence of one of the very few “flaws” of my wife, that she is imperfect AS WE ALL ARE. God, how lucky I am if this is the biggest thing I have to bitch about.
*USE CBT (and other) TOOLS TO LOOK AT THE SITUATION WITH OBJECTIVE DETACHMENT. Stop taking it personally. Don’t make mountains out of molehills (don’t catastrophize). Be realistic. Figure out why I have such an outsized reaction to this stuff, and where all of that came from.
*IDENTIFY AND CREATE SPACE OF MY OWN, with clear boundaries and standards, and don’t feel guilty about not sharing it and/or setting the standards for cleanliness within them. I know this is not possible for everyone, but it is better to have a vision of working towards having your own space(s), cleaned to your standards, and total shamelessness and pride in designing those sanctuaries. Being afraid to aim towards this was programmed into me from a young age, abusively so in some instances, and it is taking me a really super long time to overcome all of that. Which reminds me that all of this resentful dysfunction is shit I was taught from a very young age. I did not learn how to do any of this “right”, and *most* people my age who were socialized as women were brought up EXPECTING to have a spouse who was at best UNHELPFUL in housekeeping, if not overtly a menacing tornado of filth. Which reminds me how much resentment I have towards my stepdad in this area.
On the other hand, I’m aware this solution is a type of avoidance. That I do not want to confront the problem another way.
I wish this post were less cluttered. Less disorganized. More PUT-TOGETHER with clear, unblocked entries and exits. With no messy bits of detritus laying around. But accepting PROGRESS (not expecting or demanding PERFECTION) is a huge part of taming my messy hoarding beast. So this is a step in the right direction, and I’m going to post it with confidence.
If you’re wondering, I did (finally) pick up the cotton ball and throw it away right before I started writing this.
HOTEL ROOMS AND HAIRS IN THE SINK, and MY WIFE IN HER MOTHER’S KITCHEN: two follow-up / connected posts to come.