Today –Sunday, January 7th — is the beginning of week 2 without _____. Yup, I started a day early with this particular new year’s resolution.
I’ve abstained from _____ before and even done it for noteworthy amounts of time (90 days, 120 days, etc.): enough to experience the benefits of life without _____. But here I am, once again not FEELING the positive benefits of life without _____.
_____ were / are / have been a major time suck for me since elementary school. _____ have been an escape (sometimes much-needed), and one I would never deny offers positive and even healthy, therapeutic benefits in and of itself. I just happen to be the kind of person who cannot use _____ in moderation. When I am “in my dis-ease”, the only way for me to cut back a little on _____ is to cut _____ out completely.
Here’s the deal:
When you stop using your escape tool and replace the time, energy, focus and other resources you spent on/with your escape / medicine / drug of choice by funneling all of that time, focus and resources into working on productive stuff (like cleaning up your messes), IT DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY FEEL BENEFICIAL. Instead it feels FUCKING PAINFUL, FUTILE, SCARY, and just plain shitty.
Funneling the time and effort I’d usually spend on/with _____ into my current decluttering and cleaning project DOES NOT make me feel like, “ooooh! Look at all the progress I’m making!! I feel so much better about myself now that I’m cleaning up this mess!! I’m so glad I’m not using _____!!!!”
Not at all.
While I do feel a little bit of a relief that I’m not using _____ or making myself sick with _____, instead of feeling guilty about wasting hours on _____ I just feel super fucking guilty about MY MESS that I’m working on AND all of the time I spent on _____ over the years. I feel all of the shit feelings (actually I feel MORE of the shit feelings) WITH NONE OF THE REWARDS that _____ provide. Because, unlike with _____, DOING THE WORK IS NOT INSTANTLY GRATIFYING. Instead I am doing all of this shitty work, and I can barely see any progress. Unlike with _____ which are DESIGNED to measure, note and REWARD alllllllll of your “progress”, no matter how infinitesimal.
As I write this, I can see again how _____ are very similar to compulsive shopping / “collecting” / acquisition of stuff. A host of other things, too, like gambling, but since this is a site about hoarding, compulsive spending and acquisition is the most relevant addictive or, if you prefer, “habit-forming” or compulsive behavior.
So what is the solution?
*don’t measure your progress before you are “halfway” done.
*you are never “done” – cleaning, maintaining, organizing and USING assets / belongings are things you should be doing on a regular basis as long as you have those things in your possession. If you don’t have enough time left over for life, that means you have too much stuff for you alone to manage and you need to get help or get rid of some stuff until taking care of the stuff is a manageably-sized job for you.
*gratitude
*submit to doing the work and leave the results to “god” or the reality of what is / what will be
*measure your work and progress in hours spent doing the work, not on the results. Commit to spending reasonable amounts of time on the job or project, and accept it will take as long as it takes, which is unlikely to be as fast or instantaneous as you want it to be.
*learn about and practice having a growth mindset
*DON’T OVERDO IT!
*take frequent breaks and drink lots of water
*stop and do some angry or sad or frustrated or WHATEVER journaling / brain-dumping if you
*write down what you’re feeling challenged by, and three or more solutions to try or actions to take to address each challenge
*if doing the work isn’t intrinsically rewarding, or the rewards do not come fast and pleasurably enough, spend time doing something that is MORE rewarding than the big job(s). For some people, replacing one addiction with another is the only way to get over the hump(s), provided the new compulsive behavior isn’t super dangerous or unhealthy. For me, masturbating, reading for pleasure, dancing, taking drives, and even pigging out on junk food while watching trash tv are healthier options than _____. It would be better for me to do a single hour or two working on my current shame-inducing decluttering and cleaning project and then spending six hours masturbating, reading fiction, napping, and driving around aimlessly while repeatedly going through the McDonald’s drive through than working 8 hours on .
*make a dopamine menu (see The Centered Life) to help with the above
*be patient – PRACTICE patience. If results aren’t coming as fast as you want them to, check your expectations: are they realistic (for you, and the size of the job, and the way you would like to do it)? Probably not. LOWER YOUR FUCKING EXPECTATIONS, AND ALLOW YOURSELF ALL OF THE TIME IT TAKES. Throw some radical acceptance into this mix: doing this work is / going to take more time than you would like. {{{shrug}}} – that is the reality. Amor Fati.
*get away from / detach as much as possible from other people’s input, meddling, judgment, unsolicited advice, criticism, etc.
*don’t compare yourself or your situation to others. Trying out other people’s tools to see if they work for you is awesome, but as far as your progress goes or projecting how much time getting your job(s) done will take: do not compare or measure yourself against anybody else or even any other time in your life. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Everybody’s journey is their own. YOUR journey is YOUR OWN adventure and series of discoveries and hurdles, twists and turns, times and guides and places.
Out with the bad, and IN WITH THE *BETTER*
Instead of expecting to replace old bad habits with GOOD ones IMMEDIATELY, I’m going to work on focusing on replacing bad habits with something *better*. Allowing myself to take smaller steps towards improving, rather than expecting everything to come up roses right away.
Progress, not perfection.